lived, written and drawn by me. guaranteed 95% true.
it’s taken me a while to feel good about my body. from bulimia to creativity.
do you like your body?
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women looking for said:
You actually make it seem so easy with your presentation but I find this topic to be really something that I feel I’d never understand. It seems too complex and very extensive for me. I am looking ahead to your subsequent put up, I’ll
attempt to get the dangle of it!
For what it’s worth: I actually did not reveal my anorexia/bulimia at the hospital (that’s the part that isn’t true) it too me YEARS (almost 20) to do that. And then, it didn’t just happen over night. The fact that you “came out of the closet” is, in my experience the big step…after that the little ones do fall into place, slowly. You know there’s a lot to wade through. Thank you for sharing your experience with me. I wrote the book to feel less alone and it is really helpful to read that others are going/went through similar things. I hope you’re small steps come close together.
I am in the process of reading “How I Made it to Eighteen” and found your website after googling you. I have struggled with anorexia and bulimia for 20 years. I don’t think I’ll ever get over whatever is debilitating me. I thought I hit bottom/had a breakthrough about a year ago…I “came out of the closet” with my eating disorder and quit drinking. But things are even suckier than before because a) I’ve had a taste of recovery, and b) I don’t freaking drink to deal with life anymore. I know no one can fix me and that I have to be ready to get better, but I’m starting to wonder if that day will ever arrive. I keep thinking I’m sick of being sick but if I really was I’d change. Thanks for sharing your experiences…it makes me feel less alone.
Wow, you just so made my day, my week. thank you for posting! I’m actually working on another book right now. well not right right now, but now as in later today next week and ill keep going till it’s done!
Nicole cRUZ said:
HEY!I’M A BIG FAN I READ “HOW I MADE IT TO EIGHTEEN” AND ME AND MY BEST FRIEND SEAN
FELL IN LOVE WITH IT WE READ IT 14 TIMES, DO MORE BOOKS….. PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!1
Nicole: it’s me tracy.
i don’t know you so all i can do is speak from my experience: when i felt bad about myself and my life or feel out of control it usually translates into “i feel fat”, “i’m ugly”, or some version of “i’m lazy and stupid”. so i guess i’d say is there something else in your life that you aren’t happy with cause maybe that’s why you are not feeling like you are pretty. is that possible?
Deyandira: It’s me tracy. i so know what you mean about hating your butt, i’ve always thought mine was way too big. and no matter what it never gets smaller. and actually, now, it feel ok. mostly because i feel ok. feeling fat really is just another emotion like feeling depressed or angry. there must be something in your life that you are not feeling happy with…as you say emotional eating. are you comfortable with your counselor? for me until i found someone i could really trust and until i could really tell that person what was going on all the counseling in the world didn’t matter.
Nicole Cruz said:
listen,i don’t think i’m pretty, i wanna belive i am but i cant what should i do?
Im 17 years old n as a girl i was very thin when I started high school i started getting curves witch is not baddd at all but for me it was i did everything to make them go away i hate that my butt is tooo big n what i hate the must is that is not just me my mom has a huge butt so i guess is in my genes. when i was 14 years old i started to notice that i was emotional eating my mom took me with a counselor who visits me every week but i don’t think it helps because i still feel fat i haven’t made myself puke i’ve tried too but i can’t. Im really petite so if i gain weight you could tell!! i know i need help but i don’t now how i could stop thinking about all of this. please someone reply i know there is something wrong by thinking all of this
I know exactly what you mean. I’m really short- barely five feet tall- so even if I don’t weigh that much, I can still look fat. especially my butt and hips. All my fat goes there and it always bothered me. It still does. For the most part, I’m over the anorexia, but whenever I gain the least little bit of wieght, I sometimes still freak out and try to count the calories. But lately, with my dad out of the house, I haven’t been nearly as bad. Slowly but surely, I’ve been getting over this.
i obsess!exactly like what you said in the second part, im fine now but im scared i might get an eating disorder. advice?
. . . said:
I feel like this is /my/ life story… it’s scary. I’ve thought of throwing up and not eating bread and not eating food and it’s scary. I’m glad you worked it our, maybe I can, too /:
I hate my body. I think every girl in the world has her own insecurities, but my body has always been the thing that I hate the most (plus my face full of acne). I try to exercise, but everytime I look in a mirror at myself all I see is an ugly fat girl. People, even my mom, say I’m healthy and skinny and beautiful, but how can you believe that when all you see is and ugly person looking back at you. I wish I didn’t think this way.
Fat= I used to like my body 3 years ago before I got into a car accident, now since I couldn’t work out- even walk for 3 yrs I have gained about 15-20 lbs in 3 yrs from being in bed mostly and in and out of surgery oh and the medication made me lose weight at first but then when I came off it I blew up, I used to weight 112 now I am 130 and I am struggling to lose weight again in the gym. I wish I didnt get hungry that is my problem I cannot ignore hunger, I eat healthy bt it doesnt matter, my doctor told me I have a very slow metabolism and I have to eat 1000-1100 calorie per day if I want to lose weight, and at 1400 I start to gain weight. I am 29 and 5′3. I hope to be 120lbs by July. Prey for me please. I am going to the gym tonight. I have been going to gym since December and I have only lost 2 lbs, I got 5 days a week and work out until I cant anymore. I wihs I was naturally thin I am not and it sux. Thank you for reading.
I’m bulimic, and I’m just gaining more and more weight. I’m 162 right now but I should weigh about 110 and no one will leave me alone. I feel fat and miserable and ugly. I wish I could just hide.
you should be able to eat your dinner and not feel guilty about it. it took me years to get over my own bulimia. i wish i could say here is exactly what you need to do and you’ll be ok. i think it’s really different for each person because what makes us want to purge is so different. a big part of what helped me was talking to a shrink and finally actually admitting to someone that i had bulimia. before that i’d never told anyone (well maybe one or two friends). that and i actually finally really wanting to stop. i’d never really wanted to do that before. from what you write it sounds like you have the will and that’s a HUGE part of being able to stop.
i had bullimia quite badly when i was 19 and i was very thin i am now 26 but i can’t remember the last time i got through a day without being sick! i am now normal weight and feel really fat and i can’t seem to control my eating i eat so much so i have to be sick about 6 times a day! its really getting me down but i don’t know how to stop! help! people comment on how much i eat in a day and its embarrassing! i just want to be able to eat my dinner and not feel guilty about it!
nope! sometimes.. not when i am completely undressed i look digusting! i feel disgusting i am big and need to loose weight..
Man sucks.. i make myself throw up and I AM STILL FAT??? WHAT THE HELL??? there are days i see a small difference(besides my belly growling) i fit into my jeans then there ares days i feel fatter?? i dont loose weight just gain heart burn like crazy what is wrong with me???
i hate being this thin every one is always talking about how they wish they were as thin as me but its not all fun and games.
as i get older i fixate less on fat factor and more on sag harbor if you know what i mean
same struggle - just different parameter.
Hey. I think it looks great! I particularly love the part where you look in the mirror and fluctuate weights. puking blook must have been scary.
thanks for another great comic.
i am older than you all aswell, 24 with 2 kids!! i was in a terriable relationship n stress helped me gain .. i am 5′4 and weighed 165lbs i couldnt look in a mirror i convinced myself i looked good for having two kids, then i broke it off stoped eating n went on high protein no carb n went down to 110lbs. nice eh… not really im big boned n looked sick… i was still unsure of my self so i started dating a 18 year old just to feel i could cuz im not fat… but yeah here i sit trying to loose more again. up n down like a yo yo. if i didnt have kids …id kill myself… n he suffers every comment seems about me being fat
not that it is but after i hurt him n its too late i realize i am wrong for being this way
I know how all of you feel. I am older than most of you (20), but I have been dealing with an eating problem for 4 years now. I was 150 now I’m 110. I barely eat. It is causing relationship problems, but it makes me feel good to be thin. I can’t control the world, but I can control my weight! Everyone take care of yourselves and God Bless!
every inch=pure digustment…i hate it all…i want to suffocate so i never have to eat again. being small is awful at a petite 5′1..im like..obese..im 115 lbs. thats amazingly huge…i throw up..constantly…i hate food..its awful. boys…i ruin relationships…i cut the pain away..i know it sounds childish but there is no hope for this fat girl. i wear two pieces…but my insides quiver when people look at me…i want to rip my skin off..i want to run and hide. i want to decay from the inside. then maybe i’d die beautiful.
I know exactly what the story was about, I’ve not eaten for days which I can do quite easily, but I still look in the mirror and feel ill. I make myself throw up, but I know what I’m doing is wrong, even though afterwards I feel so good. At 5′5/6 and 10 stone I’m not so bad, and I’ve already lost some weight, but with friends taller than me and weighing 2 stone less than me..
I just find myself so revolting which in turn is causing problems with relationships, it intensifies sometimes to the extent that I cry and I throw up and I’ll hurt myself, but then it’ll go away. I just ignore what I see.
I know I’m obsessed with weight, I can’t help but bring it up in conversations, when I first meet people it’s what I notice. I can’t relax when I’m having ‘affairs’ because I feel so uncomfortable at their eyes on my naked form.
I know losing weight won’t help the obsession but it makes me feel better, at least for a day or so.
Hi im a teen at 5′5 and 140 pound I feel as if im away’s over weight and after I eat I feel as if I have gained so much wight im back to a fat pig I use to be. Yes I said it and mom doesn’t know how I feel. I go two school and have these two boys tell me im fat I turn and say thanks is that right to say or should I bite there head’s off? I go home and eat nothing but peach yogurt and special k in the morning and lunch at school is this healthy and I go horseback riding it releases my anger at very one I need help and guidance right now? Can anyone offer me any?
I’m 6′2′ 156 lbs. It’s not bad, I guess, but with my height there’s the constant pressure to be perfect. If you’re not a model you’re an athlete and I’m neither. I’ve found every girl my height in my school and they’re all at least twenty pounds lighter than I am. It makes me want to rip away all the fat on me. Every time I pass by a mirror I have to stop and look at my grotesque body. Recently I’ve been starving myself, not completely, though I want to. I want to be to the point of hospitalization, I want to so that I can die. There’s no worth in living in a world that expects you to be 112 pounds at the height that I am. Every cell as perfect as the next. There’s no room for me.
I know I have an eating disorder. I’m not anorexic or bulimic or anything, but I’m so obsessive about food that sometimes I scare myself. My friends have really jokingly asked me if I’m anorexic, and I always say no, but I count every single calorie that I eat. Every single one. I had 875 calories today. And I feel really bad. But I always think that maybe if I lost a few pounds I’d feel better and I’d stop doing this. I just don’t want to worry about it anymore.
Personally i dont understand why people are so obsessed with weight, but i wont lie i am to. I however have the opposite problem. Im 15 and weigh in at 98lbs. I jus want to gain weight. People always point out to me that im so skinny(like i cant see that), Its so irritating.
I am 13 and I googled the phrase ‘When someone calls you fat,’ because I am having the worst day ever. I had a huge story planned out, but figured no one wants to know every single little thing that was bad today. Let’s just say there were a ton of more things that sucked than just this one. I skipped lunch to finish my science homework. I sat down to this guy I thought was nice and we started chatting. Then I said I was hungry. he replied by saying, ‘You’re fat.’ All through science he kept calling me a fattie. When my friend said that’s mean, he said, ‘It’s not my fault she’s fat.’ Unfortunatley, I got paired up with him and two other guys for an assignment. He just kept calling fat like every 5 minutes for an hour. The other guys were like, ‘Shut-up,’ and ‘You’re mean.’ When I looked one of them in the eye and saw that he felt sorry for me beacuse he was overweight too, I got so embarrassed and just grabbed my friend and started crying. So now I’ve started to cut myself and I’m going the Anorexia way.
My whole family is overweight. My father is diabetic and everyone goes on fad diets i.e. south beach, atkins. I’m probably overweight too, and it used to kill me. I wouldn’t talk to people because i was fat. Last year i made a friend who was also obsessed with weight, but seeing them go through it made me realize just how ridiculous it is. I just focus on other things now. The reality is that if someone judges you on a purely physical level, than you should just count yourself lucky to be above that sort of crap.
was the fatty said:
I was very fat at one point in my life when i was in Junior high i weighed in at 289 and i wore a size 24 but now i weigh 127 and am very happy. Any one who wants 2 become anorexic/bulimic shouldn’t because u can die and not have a chance 4 people to think you’re perfect so lose weight the ‘old fashioned’way and do it right!!!!
I am glad for you that you have finally got to accept yourself. bravo! Thanks for sharing your stories with me/us/everyone. I am in the midst of accepting myself and still trying. Thanks for your little inspirational story.
well i only weigh 115 but when i first started junior high all the girls looked so much skinneir i tried to suck in m y stomach [didnt work] so a month i just couldent stand it anymore i started to cry then this girl weighing about 85 pounds came up to me and asked me if i wuz ok and i said no she said i should go see the school therpist she said if i wanted she would go with me so i did and we became best friends i went to her house and she came to mine all the time iam am so happy and 115 pounds i weigh as much as nicole kidmen lol
It’s crazy what people go through to stay thin in societies image of ‘beautiful’ nowadays. I see magazines filled and overflowed with beautiful people. Perfect bodies, perfect hair, perfect faces with perfectly placed dimples, perfect smiles. I used to envy them. I used to get depressed looking at beautiful women and ask God why I wasn’t like that. I am 5′4 and 135lbs. I am a size 7 and I don’t think I am fat. I look in the mirror before I go out and I smile. But when I see how thinner my friends are it makes me upset. But I am learning now, that people on TV and on Magazines aren’t happy. I am happy. I have a great life and I love my family and my friends. Those people depend on their looks to get them to where they want to be in life. I sing, and play the piano and guitar. I have long brown curly hair and green eyes, I AM pretty, I am talented. If I know that, I’ll be fine.
Loved the comic, keep them coming!
I used to think that I was HUGE but I don’t now. I was starving myself amd tryng that puke thing. Finally I just started talking to my mom. She told me the only real way to lose weight is to exercise and eat right. I did’nt want to try it either but it really works. And I went from a size 16 to a size 10 and I love myself and u should too.
Hi love your story! I’m 13 and anorexic/bulimic not seeking recovery though.I am scared i’ll die but in my eyes right now anythings worth being thin.I’ve been like this sence my dad died.I also cut/burn(ect)myself.I don’t know if i’ll ever love myself again.I don’t know if I ever really did.But maybe one day I will.Until then i’ll go through my life like i have been and just live it day by day.
With Love Always,
America I know how it feels. But let me tell you all about myself. I am 12 yrs. old and I do think that I am alittle over weight but I try my best. Loosing weight is not easy and don’t think that it is. My mom bought an exercising tape and it was suppose to be for her but I ended up using it. It takes about 5-6 weeks to see improvements. This is going on my 4th week and I have seen only very little improvements. why? Well lets just say I didn’t eat correctly. Look girls don’t loose weight because someone calls you fat loose it because you want to. And if you think that you are perfectly fine the way you are than don’t strees it. America don’t be depressed or stressed out or even upset because someone insulted you just be yourself and believe in yourself. And whatever you do don’t try to be someone you saw on t.v or on the streets because being you and looking good to yourself is all that counts. Bye America
ok…some of these comments here are so sad to me. People need to love themselves. I’m not skinny…I’m not huge…but I’m slightly overweight. I love it. I go through phases where I think…I should lose a few pounds. Why? why would I want to make myself miserable by denying myself food. The crazy thing is, that when we get too obsessed with it, we end up eating MORE because we are thinking about food all the time! its not healthy. I try to eat good organic foods that give me energy, and I try to excersize to stay in relatively good shape…but I dont flip out over it. Most people who are flipping out about being too fat are a size double zero…HELLO! how are you I’m a 10 and proud! I used to be a 12…it didn’t happen becuase I tried real hard to lose weight..I just did other stuff instead of snacking…and I look great! America is sooo stupid. You dont have to be Cindy Crawford to be attractive. Most of my male friends would rather have a gal with a little meat!
dont stress girls!
its under control!
as long as you can see yourself for what you love in yourself (and it may not be your body) everything else will fall into place!
I think you are a very brave woman to share your experience. I am a gymnastics instructor and I watch my girls weight…to make sure they don’t go TOO low, not to keep them low. I worry about how too much weight loss will affect them physically, mentally and emotionally. I plan to send your web page to all the girls I train and to tell them it’s okay not to be perfect.
i feel for you. i know exactly how you felt.
Enjoyed the comic and hope you are obsessing less these days. I think we all obsess over something and when we overcome one obsession another crops up. I was extremely shy, extremely thin and extremely obsessive growing up. I broke my nose in 3rd grade and from that time on obsessed over my nose which I felt overshadowed my face completely. I felt everyone looking at it and nothing else. Well, somewhere down the road I grew into my nose and decided my chin was too short . I never gave my nose another thought since I had moved down to the chin. Over the years I moved from one part of my body to the next. Somewhere along the line I began to gain
weight. A problem I had never had in the past. Sure enough all my other obsessions left me to be replaced by the I am fat obsession. I really thought by the time I reached 50 these things would no longer bother me as I am not terribly fat, not terrible unattractive, not terribly anything but quite the contrary for my age. I am always being complimented on my looks, my legs, my hair, my skin. Why am I still obesessing? I think we develop the habit of low self esteem and it stays with us forever unless we work at changing it. Easier said than done though, isnt it? Good luck to you and,may your obsessions fall by the wayside and your life be filled with better thoughts.
I am 13 years old and have already (secretly) been anerexic and Bulemic. I think I am puggy. I don’t think i’m obease I just think I’m not bikini material. I have a string bikini and I have worn it in public. Everytime I wear it I get complements on how dood I look in it or how I have such a great body. But the truth is that I really don’t know what their looking at. I have only worn It twice in public. I will admite that I don’t gain wait easily. But I must also tell you that yes I don’t gain wait but I don’t lose wait either. The only time I have lost wait was when I din’t eat anything except diet soda. I really have tried to lose wait the so called ‘right’ way but it just doesn’t work. I’ve exercised and cut out junk food but it just doesn’t work. I have even tryed the no carb diet but no results.
I guess what I am trying to say is that I wish I could TRUTHFULY say that eventualy you will learn to love your body but I don’t believe it! I havn’t loved my body in 4 years
Just stumbled on your comic, great job. Here I am in my 30’s still feeling like that. Once you’ve battled with your weight/body image, it takes a long time to heal… Coming from a skinny mom, size 2 if she was lucky and having the genes of your fairly healthy weight father (being kind), doesn’t always work. I was a size 12, she was a size 2. I looked just like her, she considered herself, as did others, attractive. All I heard was well, ‘you’d be so much prettier if you lost weight’…from her always. Now later in my life, with a man who loves me AS I AM, and I am finally comfortable in my own skin, for the most part… its ok to be who you are. I was never meant to be a size 2 and that’s ok… every day is a struggle at times, but its ok…life is good at size 12 or size 2, I am just be happy to be where I am.
hi i am 14 and over weight……but unlike the comic, i dont care what other people think, they are gonnna either like me for me or not…. i weigh like 165 but my body is very porpotioned, i think women struggle with weight every day
Just wanted to let you know that I loved the comic. I am currently in treatment for anorexia (binge/purge type). I was able to relate and appreciate the seriousness of the subject matter but at the same time I really enjoyed the ‘comic’ style in which it was written. It is also motivating to read that (I understand the thoughts never go away 100%) you have overcome this disorder.
Congratulations and thank you for sharing,
Mary Vi said:
I sometimes think that I’m fat and I used to be a little anorexic once. I mean, I know I’m not fat, but if I’m having a bad day I’ll be like ‘uhhgg, I’m so fat’, even though I’m pretty thin. Its really bad and I still don’t eat sometimes, because I feel like as soon as I eat, I gain weight and get fat. Now, I have a membership to the YMCA and I go there to work out. It makes me feel good about myself, and I don’t over do it (b/c I don’t really like to work out). Its a good way to keep my mind off of my ‘rolls’…
Thank you for your comics!!!!
i wanna be skinny said:
i was soo worried about my weight for about 6 months that i tried to make myself sick to loose the weight. I would do anything so that each time i ate i ddint feel the need to sick it up after wards. I commend your comic as it highlites key issues that i wish someone would talk to me about and help me wanna be normall unlike the weight i am now but the obbsession has almost taken over, i even stole my mothers slimming pills to try and help but dont do it cause it aint worth it at all in the long run cause youll only end up with sacrs in your throaht and god knows what elsewhere.
I fixate on the things my Mom told me when I was little. She was very mentally ill. (sigh)
I fixate on the fact that I am not perfect. If I were perfect, then things would be ok. I call myself all of the names I was called and feel lost, confused and generally overwhelmed.
I was told all my life that the opinions of others count more than my own. It is hard to give up that lie. I feel insecure because I know that I will never be able to live up to the expectations of others.
I begin to heal because I realise that I was not told the truth. I heal because I now know that there are others who experienced the same as I. (I didn’t like vomiting. I just didn’t eat and actually would try to see how many days I could go without eating.)I knew that I wasn’t fat, but I knew that I could never allow myself to become fat.
I am learning.
Thanks for your story, so yeah, it sucks that some of us think that way huh? I hope that someday I can see past my ‘fat’. I guess I become obessed with things sometimes, and I guess my new outlet is singing. Hopefully everything will work out, for all of us.
Oh My gosh why did u do that? Just because you think you look fat doesnt mean u should do that. I hope everyone that thinks they are fat will just exercise and lose it or forget about it. But iam sorry about what happened.
God Bless You,
Yup, I was one of those teens who fixated on how fat I thought I looked too. Sometimes I still catch myself doing it. But hey there are more important things in life and I now have a b/f who makes me happy to be me.
Kudos to a great story.
After reading your story, for the first time I realized that the obsession on appearance is a universal phenomena. I was very worried about the way I was growing tall when I was a teen. I thot I was going to look gortesquely taller.
Fine it didnt happen that way, though. I emphathize with you. Take good care.
Sankar from India
i just love my -yes i use the word- fat girlfriend, and i hate it when she worries about her weight<
i have not read that…will look it up. thanks. i’m always interested in books especially ones that are excellent!
have you read ‘rules for the unruly’ by marion winik? your checklist at the end of the comic of what you had to go through to reminds me a lot of this excellent book Rules for the Unruly. also, as other people have said, your storytelling is great and the links to other related stories within the story are a welcome addition.
finally, as for myself, i guess i fixate on ‘being cool’, though part of being cool is not telling anybody that you care about being cool. the strange thing is that when people start thinking i’m really cool, i don’t know how to deal with it. likewise, i don’t know how to deal with people that ignore me completely. i crave acknowledgement and people liking me. i don’t act out in public, it’s different from being an attention craver, because i don’t like negative attention really. but i do need positive, though not forced, interaction with others.
Gee, what an awesome comic (’Do I look fat?’). it’s hard for me to believe that you were as FUCKED UP as all the rest of us were as teenagers and college kids. Still, it must be true, or why would you confess such scary, unflattering things about yourself? You’re the greatest — thanks for your honesty, and thanks for keeping on keeping on.
very well done story telling. i got upset when you threw up blood, and i’m glad everything worked out. please keep sharing your stories. can you tell us what is coming next?
oh, my god! what do I fixate? how about pretty much everything and I used to try to get solace from the fridge, but you’d be surprised how unresponsive it can be….
But mostly, I’d go into these cycles of regreting everything I’ve done, from what I’ve eaten that day, to what College I went, (and I’ve been out of college for years now). Now, I am trying to focus on the future and all the endless posibilities
tracy, congratulations. This is so good. You are a master of storytelling : traced is just a whole new genre.
your fan flo
Hi Tracy! Thanks for another excellent memoir from the phases of our childhood. Particularly nice to read when every time I see you now I’m amazed by how healthy you look and how happy and secure you are with yourself. See you soon! Love, Gail
i really think your comics are great. i have never read a comic that infuses reality so well. i also love your creativity & sense of humor. no matter how thin or good looking or talented the world sees us — everyone has insecurities. thanks for being so honest — again. can i be your friend???
slow loris said:
As a teen, I was so skinny that I wouldn’t wear a bathing suit in public. Being too skinny was particularly sucky because there weren’t any other teenagers with the same problem.
I’m no longer too skinny, and now, when I’m feeling insecure, I go swimming.